It’s Friday the 13th…
Ahem…I mean Frightday the 13th…
And I have some recommendations for you to enjoy this weekend…
Okay…This Frightday’s theme is…
My Top 13 Masked Killers Who Weren’t Jason Voorhees.
In the summer of ’82…
Everyone’s favorite happy camper…
Jason Voorhees…
Donned the legendary hockey mask for the first time…
And let me tell you…
Director Steve Miner’s decision…
Struck pure gold…
Because…
Once it rested upon Jason’s face…
It made him one of…
If not the…
Most iconic masked killers in horror movie history…
But ol’ Jason is not alone…
Hell…
He wasn’t even the first…
But some would argue…
That he was the best.
So, let’s take a look at My Top 13 Masked Killers Who Weren’t Jason Voorhees…Starting with Number Thirteen…And working our way to Number One.
Bruiser (2000) – This is a film…That marked George A. Romero’s return to the director’s chair after a seven-year hiatus…The mask this killer wears is not one that he has chosen for himself…But one that has chosen him…Henry is a miserable bastard that the world seems to enjoy taking hefty, steaming dumps on…And Henry has been sitting back and just taking it…Until one day…He wakes up to find his face no longer there…And this uber-creepy faceless mask in its place…So he does what anybody else would do in a situation like this…What’s that, you ask? Well…He goes on a killing spree, of course! Jason Flemyng could have probably pulled off a creepy killer without the mask…But for the sake of this list…I sure am glad it showed up on his face.
The Hills Run Red (2009) – In this film about an obsessed horror film super-fan…Who searches for a copy of the “scariest film ever made”…A film that has disappeared along with its director…What this super-fan finds when he reaches the end of his journey is not what he expected, and exactly what he asked for all at the same time…I will admit that I was psyched to see The Man Who Was Death himself, William Sadler, as the long-lost director…But folks…Let me tell ya…When you first lay your eyes upon one of the creepiest example of a slapped together piece of psychotic arts and crafts that the world has ever seen…You will realize that it wasn’t Babyface and his oh-so-bad behavior that got him on this list…Sure…The guy has the whole lumbering psycho killer thing down pat…But man…That mask…Yeeesh…It’s definitely that mask that got him a place on this list.
Fender Bender (2016) – This was a film that really took me back…Back to a time when it was a regular occurrence to be sitting on a couch with some friends…Some beers…Some pizza…And a masked slasher flick…A time that everyone else likes to call…The 80’s…I just loved the perfect setup of this film…A killer…Stalks young, new drivers…Has a fender bender with them…Exchanges personal information…Uses that information to find them…Oh yeah…And kill them…Bill Sage was incredible as the perpetual driver of the other car…But when he strapped on his mask and became The Driver…That’s when he transformed into a legendary masked killer…And found his way onto this list.
Timecrimes (a.k.a. Los Cronocrímenes 2007) – In this Spanish sci-fi thriller…Hector is a man who gets caught in what’s known as a causal loop…So basically…In the event that you are ever time travelling…And…You do something…And that results in something else happening…And that subsequently results in the first thing happening…Over…And over…And over…Unless you can somehow change the presumably predetermined events…You are officially stuck in the causal loop…So I guess what I’m trying to say is…If you are ever travelling through time…Don’t do a goddamned thing…But in this case…I am really glad that Hector didn’t take my sage-like advice…Because if he had…The creepy, knife-wielding, masked assailant never would have wrapped his head in pink bandages…And therefore never would have made it to this list.
Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon (2006) – This tongue-in-cheek mockumentary/meta-horror film introduced us to a world where all of the slashers that we know from films are actually real…And a determined young man has decided to become the next big thing in the annals of slasher history…He is followed around by a documentary crew…Until…On the night of his planned attack on a gaggle of unsuspecting teenagers…The crew abandon their documentary…And get caught up in this burgeoning killer’s spree…The mask he wears is that of a sunken-eyed, sad-faced, toe-headed little boy…And although that may sound sweet and innocent…Just one look at that creepy fucker…And you’ll know why he’s on the list.
Laid to Rest (2009) – In this devilishly delightful throwback to slashers gone by…We are introduced to a masked killer named Chromeskull…He taunts and tortures his victims…While sporting a shoulder-cam that records his exploits…Which he later delivers to the police in an effort to taunt and torture them as well…This film is layered with more cheesy goodness than a tray of lasagna…The film is slow to start…So bear with it…After like twenty minutes or so…It is off and running at a pace reminiscent of so many great 80’s slasher films…Now this skull mask with a toothy grin is extra creepy due to its metal appearance…And it sorta reminds me of the zombie known as Tarman…the one that came out of the barrel in Return of the Living Dead…Fans of this film are aware that in the sequel…Chromeskull’s actual face is way scarier than his mask…But in this film…It’s the mask that got him on the list.
Cold Prey (a.k.a. Fritt Vilt 2006) – This Norwegian film is one of my favorite horror films of all time…It has everything that my little heart desires in a horror flick…A confined setting…A compelling cast of believable actors…A mindless, faceless, nearly indestructible killer…Now I know what your thinking…The killer in this film is wearing a collection of items that would normally be used to keep ones head and face warm in the cold weather…It’s not really a mask…Okay…Fair enough…But when you add all of those normal and albeit useful items together…The killer bears the appearance of a zombified were-rabbit…And for that reason…His found items mask…Earned him a spot on this list.
Hush (2016) – The horror director that has become my latest obsession is Mike Flanagan…For me…It started with the creepy and atmospheric film, Absentia…Then I saw Oculus…Then it was this original, dark, and relentless home invasion film…Now at this point…After seeing this one…I was already hooked…But he continued to prove himself to be a talented and prolific horror filmmaker with films like…Ouija: Origin of Evil, which stood out as one of those rare follow-ups that outshine their predecessor…Before I Wake, was a spooky tale with a ton of heart…And Gerald’s Game…The man adapted what was considered to be the one work of Stephen King’s that was unadaptable…This coming Halloween…We will get to see the first episode of the Netflix series that he is showrunning…Based on Shirley Jackson’s The Haunting of Hill House…And he’s been announced as the director of Stephen King’s sequel to The Shining, called Doctor Sleep…But enough about Mike Flanagan…So…What was I saying, again?..I seem to have forgotten my point…Oh yeah!..So…That sure is a creepy mask isn’t it?
Goodnight Mommy (2014) – This Austrian film tells the unsettling story of twins, Elias and Lukas…Now…Twins are creepy enough…But these two…They take it to a whole nutha level…These two masked asshats are convinced that when their mother returns home from having plastic surgery…That she is not their mother at all…The tension gets ratcheted up notch by notch in this one…And the claustrophobic confinement that not only the country home…But the twins themselves create…Causes that ever-ratcheting tension to reach a level where the hair stands up on the back of your neck…I found myself wanting to know the truth…And then immediately regretting my foolish fact-finding mission…And ultimately I spent the final act…Just wanting it all to stop…I give the movie an A…But those scary-ass masks you little fuckers made in art class…Those get an F.
The Collector (2009) – This film from the incredible team of Marcus Dunstan and Patrick Melton…Is one of my all-time favorite home-invasion-gone-wrong horror films…In it…Arkin…Played by Josh Stewart is working as a handy-man in a McMansion…When loan sharks threaten his wife and daughter…He breaks into the stately manor with the intention of cracking the safe and taking a ruby that will solve all of his problems…But when he arrives…The whole family is being held hostage and tortured in a series of deadly traps that would make Jigsaw go…”Wow, man…You’re kinda fucked up.” Anyway…The culprit behind all of these deadly traps is the titular character and let me tell you…I can’t really say if it’s those pools of black tar casting iridescent reflections that he calls eyes…Or that mega-creepy and totally original mask that he wears…But either way…He definitely deserves an exalted position on this list.
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) – The scene depicted above…Was the first time that I got a good look at Leatherface…He appears rather briefly a few minutes before this…Just long enough to sink a sledgehammer into Kirk’s melon…But in this scene…With Pam hanging on a meat hook…He fires up his chainsaw…Licks his lips…And begins the task of butchering Kirk right in front of her…This moment…Where the light cascading from the dingy window…Splashes across his mask…Crudely made from human flesh…Made my little freckled eight year old ass instinctively clench up for fear of sharting my shortpants…This is the moment that made me fall in love with horror movies…This is the moment that introduced me to my first masked killer…And this is the moment that provided me with my very first near-shart experience…But fear not my friends at the Fruit of the Loom factory… Oh, you can rest easy in your job security…Because it surely won’t be the last.
Halloween (1978) – This is my favorite horror movie of all time…And trust me…For a guy like me…Coming up with an all-time favorite…That’s not an easy feat…But the style…The technique…The story…The cast…The ending…Created a horror movie archetype that would be used as a template for so many films that followed this one…And it was also the film that introduced me to my favorite director of all time…The man…The myth…The legend…Ol’ J.C. himself…Oh crap…Not that J.C. guys…The other one…John Carpenter…He made me appreciate film on a grander scale than I ever had before…The way they are shot…The way they are scored…All of a sudden…Those things mattered to me…And continued to…But that cold, dead, lifeless mask that was supposed to help some kid dress up like Captain Kirk…That Carpenter Creation…Will always be associated with Michael Myers…Or as the name that I will always use when I refer to him…The Shape.
The Video Store Clerk 
One thought on “Frightday the 13th Film Recommendations: My Top 13 Masked Killers Who Weren’t Jason Voorhees.”