Frightday Night Film Recommendations: Ten Reasons To Never Visit Australia.

It’s Friday…

Ahem…

I mean Frightday…

And I have some recommendations for you to enjoy this weekend…

Okay…

This Frightday’s theme is…

 

 Ten Reasons To Never Visit Australia.

In 2005…

I watched a nasty little mother-humper of a horror film…

Greg McLean’s Wolf Creek…

I was introduced to two things that day…

The first thing was…

A grisly ghoul of a human being named Mick Taylor…

A man who ravages the vast Aussie wasteland known as The Outback…

Finding tourists who have invaded what he has claimed…

As both his territory…

And his personal hunting ground…

And the other thing introduced to me that day was…

The knowledge that…

Australia…

Is scary-as-fuck…

And I am never…

Going to stop by…

For a visit.

 

So, let’s take a chronological look at the best, most frightening, and possibly even unknown to you, Ten Reasons To Never Visit Australia Movies…In the years following Wolf Creek. 

 

Rogue (2007) – After directing the aforementioned Wolf Creek, Greg McLean followed up his gritty and horrifying debut, with this captivatingly carnivorous creation…Radha Mitchell plays Kate, who leads a group of tourists on a boat trip through Australia’s Northern Territory…Initially when they run into some grubby locals…I start to get nervous that I’m watching the sequel to Wolf Creek…Totally convinced that they are bad news…But…The bad news comes from below the surface…And it’s not a redneck Aussie at all…But instead…It’s a giant man-eating crocodile…The stellar supporting cast of this film includes…Sam Worthington, who plays Neil, one of the locals, whose boat is destroyed by the behemoth…Leaving him no choice but to join forces with Kate and the other tourists…And then there’s Michael Vartan…Who plays Pete, a tourist who actually attempts to defeat the beast…So go ahead and scribble the words GIANT-SIZED FREAKIN’ CROCODILES on your list of reasons not to visit Australia.

 

Black Water (2008) – Thanks to director Andrew Traucki and his handiwork in this film, and his 2010 follow-up, The Reef…I am now afraid of all bodies of water…Yesterday I stepped in a mud-puddle and almost crapped my khakis…In my defense…I’m pretty sure there was a menacing-looking water bug in there…In this one…The reason not to visit, is once again a crocodile…But unlike the gargantuan prehistoric behemoth in Rogue…This one is a regular-sized crocodile…Like the one that attacked the three Aussies that made up the true events that this film was based on…The eerily, and excessively stealthy way this creature moves adds an element of dread for the viewer…It literally creeps up on you…The journey that the characters in this film take, bear some resemblance to the main character’s plight in the film, The Shallows…There’s a feeling of anxiety that gets conveyed to the audience…As one bears witness to the waiting for impending, almost inevitable doom…You good? That’s right…Go ahead and write down the words REGULAR-SIZED FREAKIN’ CROCODILES on that list of yours.

 

Dying Breed (2008) – I love this flick…In it…Two couples go deep into the woods of Australia to the island of Tasmania…One of them has a mission…To retrace the footsteps of her sister who drowned there eight years earlier…They are investigating evidence left behind in one of her sister’s photographs…That the presumed extinct Tasmanian Tiger is not extinct at all…While there…They encounter a small village filled with descendants of an Irishman who lived on the island when it was a penal colony…Known as The Pieman…This man survived for many years longer than any other prisoner…Due to his penchant for snacking on his fellow prisoners…What could be worse than Irish rednecks living in Tasmania? Um…I don’t know…How about Irish rednecks living in Tasmania that are descendents of a mass-murdering, cannibal convict…So go ahead and write IRISH REDNECKS LIVING IN TASMANIA THAT ARE DESCENDENTS OF A MASS MURDERING CANNIBAL CONVICT on your list of reasons…I know, I know…It’s a mouthful…But…That’s exactly what you’d be if you paid a visit to Tasmania…A fucking mouthful.

 

The Loved Ones (2009) – Inarguably one of my all-time favorite films…This was an amazing debut by Tasmanian writer/director Sean Byrne. It tells the story of a girl named Lola who asked fellow student Brent to go to the prom with her…From that point forward…The film takes off and goes to some really dark and twisted places…And let me tell you…Lola, and her old man…Are a shit-ton scarier than some swamp-swimming overgrown gecko…Honestly…I would rather be stuck…On a sinking boat…Wearing a sirloin suit…Surrounded by a nuclear family of crocs…Than spend ten minutes duct-taped to a chair in their house on Prom Night…I know…You’re like…”Come on, man…Lola and her Dad can’t be that messed up”…Yeah…And…Those…Those are just words…Words of a person who hasn’t seen this film yet…So why don’t you grab a glitter pen…And just write the words TEENAGE GIRLS down on that list…I mean…In all honesty…I raised one of those things…And let me tell you…You should already be afraid of them…You should already be…Very afraid.

 

The Reef (2010) – From the same man who brought Black Water to this list…Andrew Traucki gives us yet another reason to avoid his lovely continent…A small group of friends decide to join their pal, Luke as he delivers a yacht to a customer in Indonesia…Should be fine…What could go wrong? Well…Since you’re off the coast of Australia, and apparently close enough to land for their continental curse to grab you by the shorthairs…Yep…That’s right…You sir, and or madam, are fucked…When the giant hangry shark shows up and throws a monkey wrench in their little trip…One by one…These people slowly discover what I am telling you…That it is a bad idea to visit Australia…Now…Every shark film is unfortunately judged using the Jaws yardstick…And by no means does it reach that unattainable bar…But this is a genuinely scary, well crafted shark film…That proved my point perfectly…So why don’t you write the word, SHARK on your list, buddy.

 

100 Bloody Acres (2012) – Okay…In this one we have the Morgan Brothers…Who have started to use people as the secret ingredient in their organic fertilizer…This refreshingly original horror comedy comes from first time Australian filmmaking brothers, Cameron and Colin Cairnes….It stars Damon Herriman (Justified) as Reg Morgan, and Angus Sampson (who played Tucker in the Insidious movies), as his brother Lindsay…The two end up abducting a trio of twenty-somethings who are on their way to a festival, and in the middle of a love triangle…The horrific comedy of errors that ensue will leave you laughing and cringing at the same time…Keep your eyes peeled for a cameo from John Jarratt (He played serial killer Mick Taylor in Wolf Creek)…Okay then…For this one…You might as well write SMALL BUSINESS OWNERS on that list…Because in Australia…They will apparently do just about anything to succeed.

 

The Pack (2015) – In this rather rural, extremely isolated Australian setting…We have the Wilson family…They live on a sheep farm…Where recently…An ass-load of their sheep have been mauled by unknown predators…And those predators eventually make their way up the food chain to the Wilsons…Oh, I’m sorry…Did I forget to mention that the deadly predators that are tormenting this poor family…Are…Dogs?!? I know you’re like…”Oooooh…Dogs…Wicked scary.” But these dogs are vicious, fast-as-lightning, and super excited about their job interview, this coming Monday at Satan’s Hellhound Recruitment Center Job Fair…In fact…These dogs are so scary that when Cujo saw the film…He was like…”Those are some scary fucking dogs right there”…Actual quote…Anyway…This film has the tension of a slasher film…Where the killer is trying to get in to the house to get you…And stops everyone outside of the house from helping…So before you put that Who Rescued Who bumper sticker on your car…Don’t forget to put the word DOGS on your list of reasons to never visit Australia.

 

Wolf Creek (2016 TV Series) – Now don’t get me wrong…The sequel to Wolf Creek could have easily ended up on this list as well…But I figured…How many times can I make you write Mick Taylor’s name on your list? The answer? Once more…This incredibly intense…Well-acted…Well-written…And well filmed TV series really gets the chance to flesh out one of the times that mean ol’ bastard Mick Taylor has tortured unsuspecting tourists…This time…He wipes out an entire family of American tourists…But one of them…Manages to live…Which after a run in with Mick…Is admittedly a pretty rare thing…But what comes next was righteously unexpected…And well…Kinda awesome…The surviving family member, Eve is played by Lucy Fry…She’s an up and coming actress who has been amazing in her recent and very diverse roles in the Hulu original series, 11.22.63, and the Netflix original film, Bright…And…Eve…This young American girl…This fish out of water…With nobody left and nothing to lose…Decides to hunt the hunter…This one’s well worth a binge-watching session…So go ahead and in big ol’ bold letters write the name MICK TAYLOR…Hell, since he’s the one who started this whole thing…Go ahead and put it…Way up there…At the top of your list.

 

Killing Ground (2016) – Are you starting to get the picture yet?…Stay the fuck out of Australia…Seriously…I grew up thinking Australia was filled with cool and funny rednecks like Crocodile Dundee…But as we have gradually learned with this list…It is a land filled with cannibals, murderous knife/rifle/drill-wielding psychopaths, and practically prehistoric man-eating monsters…And…Adding another crushing blow to the Australian Tourism Board is this film from first time writer-director Damien Power…It tells the story of a couple who while camping on a remote beach…Discover that the abandoned campsite not too far from theirs…Isn’t all that abandoned after all…This film plays with time in a really cool way…Interweaving the flashbacks into the current storyline in a way that is both seamless and yet, surprisingly not confusing to the audience…So go ahead and just write down one word on your list…MEN…What’s that?…Seems too general?…Too much of a broad stroke?…Oh really…Are you willing to grab a tent and a sleeping bag, and test that theory?

 

Hounds of Love (2017) – In the impressive feature film debut of Ben Young…He tells us the story of Vicki…A teenager growing up in the suburbs of Perth…One night on her way to a party…She accepts a ride from a seemingly harmless couple…But she soon discovers that John and Evelyn White are hardly harmless…As they abduct young Vicki and hold her prisoner…Planned as a brief stay filled with torture, abuse, and eventually death…Vicki’s visit takes an interesting turn, as the bright, and resourceful teenager uses her teenage daughter of divorce superpowers and begins manipulating her captors in an attempt to drive a wedge between them…The tension that manifests between those involved in this isosceles love triangle…Is pretty intense…Whether it’s the bubbling crock-pot of over-cooked rage that is John…Or…Evelyn, perpetually scuba-diving in a deep-sea of deadly co-dependency…Or Vicki…Whose palpably panic-stricken survival skills will give you an anxiety disorder…Between the three of them…You’ll be riding the edge of the couch…And with this one…The last reason on your list…Jot down the words…MARRIED COUPLES…Seems like the only reason left to visit Australia is to see a kangaroo…So…May I recommend a visit to the San Diego Zoo, instead?

 

Frightday Night Film Recommendations: Revenge is a Dish Best Served to Sexual Predators.

It’s Friday…

Ahem…

I mean Frightday…

And I have some recommendations for you to enjoy this weekend…

Okay…

This Frightday’s theme is…

Revenge is a Dish Best Served to Sexual Predators.

In the late great Wes Craven’s debut film…

1972’s Last House on the Left…

He introduced the world…

And me…

To a type of revenge film that I had never seen before…

One where the horrifying acts of the predators in the first half of the film…

Are reflected in the funhouse mirror image of the horrifying, yet reciprocal acts of those seeking revenge…

This past year will forever be remembered as the year when sexual predators were exposed…

Rather than exposing themselves…

But for the most part…

The only justice their victims received was the fact that these powerful and predatory men lost their careers…

Sometimes…

Especially in films that fall into either the horror or thriller category…

The justice that these sexual predators receive…

Comes straight out of the ol’ Wes Craven playbook.

So, let’s take a chronological look at the best, most frightening, and possibly even unknown to you, Sexual Predator Revenge Films…In the years following The Last House on the Left. 

 

Hard Candy (2005) – A couple years before busting out onto everyone’s radar with her amazing performance in Juno, Ellen Page starred in this taut, intense, nail-biting little bastard of a flick…She plays Hayley Stark, a fourteen year old vigilante who preys upon Jeff Kohlver. played by Patrick Wilson, a man who meets her to hook up and take some pictures of her…And yes…She tells Jeff that she is fourteen…Several times…This a sexual predator revenge film at its finest…I dig both of these actors…And they are at the top of their respective games in this one…This one takes the whole sexual predator thing to an even darker place…Not just because of the brutality of the revenge inflicted on-screen…But because the intended prey of Jeff’s proclivities…Much like that of the mall-trolling Roy Moore…His victims…Were also…Still children.

 

Teeth (2007) – Talk about the perfect genetic mutation to combat sexual predators…Vagina Dentata, a.k.a. A Toothy Vagina…It’s the mutation that our heroine, Dawn has received due to her home’s close proximity to a nuclear power plant…Rather quickly she needs to use her “gift” To repel the unwanted advances of boys…The belligerent aggression of a gaggle of date-rapists…The inappropriate behavior of a gynecologist…All are met with what I consider a fitting punishment…What?!? But it’s true…Each and every one of the men who try to sexually assault Dawn…Lose the things that they use in their assaults…Thus making it impossible for them to assault again…Seems completely fair to me…But that’s probably because I am not a piece-of-shit sexual predator.

 

The Woman (2011) – This one comes from Lucky McKee…His debut film, May is still one of my favorites…This one is a pseudo sequel to the 2009 film, Offspring…And I have recommended it several times…I will probably recommend it again…Deal with it…Pollyanna McIntosh, plays the titular Woman…Reprising her role from Offspring…In both films she plays to perfection, a feral cannibal woman…But in this film…Rather than abducting locals so she and the rest of her flesh-hungry clan can dine on them…She is the one abducted…For the sick entertainment of the patriarch of the Cleek clan, played by Sean Bridgers…He plays an easily hated character…The country lawyer is already pretty damn abusive to his entire family…Including Angela Bettis, also from the aforementioned film, May…But the abuse they endure is nothing compared to what he does when his victim is someone he believes he can take full advantage of…Do whatever he wants with…But not to worry…You do remember the part where I told you she was a feral cannibal? Yep…That’s right…I find that hard-to-watch torture and abuse in the second act a whole lot easier to stomach…When the film becomes an all-out revenge flick in the third and final act.

 

The Resident (2011) – In this one…Hilary Swank plays Dr. Juliet Devereaux…A woman who recently dumped her man, and found herself a place of her own in a building owned by Max…Played by none other than Negan himself…Jeffrey Dean Morgan…And…Like Negan…The character of Max is an walking dichotomy made up of equal parts charm and danger...And the way that he takes advantage of Juliet…The absolutely creepy methods of his abuse…Will not only make your skin crawl right off your bones…But it will make you root for Juliet to take control of the situation…And take her revenge…All in all…This film is a superb and simple thriller…And although there is no surprise twist ending to wait for…No mysterious resolution…No who-the-fuck-dunnit…This film holds the tension all the way…Until the bitter end…Of Max.

American Mary (2012) – In this surgical fetish horror created by the Soska Twins…They shine a light on the dark recesses of an underbelly of society bubbling up to the surface…The incredible Katharine Isabelle (Ginger Snaps)…Plays medical student Mary Mason…And we watch with awe and wonder…As she reluctantly gets involved with this bizarre subsect of society…And it is a cavalcade of freaks and weirdos that will likely make the idea of being in an open relationship with a Furry, while at the same time being a closet Plushy seem completely normal…Mary seems equally repulsed by what she finds there, but after being drugged and raped by a former teacher…She chooses to dive head first into the life of a Fetish Surgeon…And practices her skills on her chosen victim…A sexual predator who chose to victimize her.

 

Avenged (a.k.a. Savaged – 2013) – This film is a genuine surprise…I had never heard of the majority of the cast, or the filmmakers behind it…I stumbled upon it randomly…And totally dug what I found…Amanda Adrienne Smith plays Zoe, a deaf girl on a road trip alone who gets raped and brutalized by a gang of rednecks with a family tree full of people proud of murdering Apaches…She is buried and left for dead, until West, a Neo-Shaman performs a ritual bringing her back from the abyss…She comes back with two things, an angry Apache spirit inside of her, and a taste for sweet, sweet vengeance…There is a great contrast here…You have this wispy little deaf girl becoming the fierce embodiment of hundreds of years of aggression against Native Americans…But let’s not forget the fact that historically speaking…Wispy little girls have had to face much more than hundreds of years of aggression…Which ends up making the hostess even more deadly…Than the vengeful spirit that inhabits her.

 

Big Driver (2014) – Okay…Hold the fucking phone…Is he really recommending a Lifetime Original Movie to us? Okay…Okay…Hold on…Let me explain…First off…This is a film based on a short story from Stephen King’s 2010 collection, Full Dark, No Stars...And I don’t care what network produced it…I probably would have watched it anyway…But…It actually was a surprise to me that I liked it…A lot…It was a dark and demented tale about a mystery writer played by Maria Bello…Who after driving back from a meet and greet with fans, at a library in rural Massachusetts…Gets stranded at an even more rural abandoned gas station…When a man stops to help her…And his help turns to hurt…She has to fight for her life to survive…This film at times…Yes…It feels like a Lifetime Original Movie…But most of the time…Like when incredible supporting actresses like…Ann Dowd…Olympia Dukakis…And especially…Joan Jett are on the screen…It feels like so much more…You know what…If you know me…You know I’m a whore for anything written by Stephen King…And…If they ever made it…I would watch a movie based on his grocery list.

 

Bound to Vengeance (2015) – In most revenge flicks, the audience must endure an hour of torture and abuse before the victim becomes the victor…Not in this one…Nope…Tina Ivlev plays Eve,…She is being held captive by Richard Tyson (Buddy Revell from Three O’Clock High)…He plays the villainous sexual predator…With whom Eve rather quickly gains the upper hand…She then forces him to help her…And…She walks him like a dog on a leash from place to place…Attempting to release any other victims…And punish any other perpetrators…I will admit that there are moments…That the audience will be faced with…Random moments…Of unbelievability…Not to worry folks…This is a dark and dirty little revenge tale…And a devilishly delightful revenge it is…And if you are a fan of revenge flicks…Like me…That revenge…Will be the thing that gets you past those brief moments.

 

The Corpse of Anna Fritz (a.k.a. El cadáver de Anna Fritz – 2015) – In this taut, claustrophobic, and completely intense Spanish thriller…Director Hèctor Hernández Vicens (Day of the Dead: Bloodline) tells the story of Pau…Who works as an orderly at a hospital…Where a popular and desirable actress shows up at the morgue…Pau takes a picture of her…Sends it to his friend, Ivan…Who shows up at the hospital around the same time as one of Pau’s other friends Javi…Ivan is rather quickly established as the creepiest and the most aggressive…Javi is the contrast…He tries to be the moral compass in a film sorely lacking in morality…And once the three go to the morgue to see the body of the celebrity there…All sorts of unholy hell breaks loose…This film is a twisted little crap-flinging monkey…One that was original in its premise…And as the final frames flickered across the screen…Burned itself permanently into my memory.

 

M.F.A. (2017) – The daughter of The Man With No Name…You know…Dirty Harry…Francesca Eastwood…Plays Noelle…An artist who is also a graduate student attending a college in California…She is shy and introverted…But is convinced by Luke, her secret crush…To break out of her shell and go to a party that he and his roommates are hosting…Once there…She is raped by Luke and her whole world spirals out of control…She takes the journey of revenge to a place so uncomfortable that you almost stop sympathizing with her…I said almost…Hey…Just because she goes a little overboard…Doesn’t mean that each and every one of the men that come face to face with the new and improved Noelle…Don’t get exactly what they deserve…And although the morality play is not lost on me…I still believe if someone were to actually behave the way she does in this film…Maybe the next creepy, forcefully aggressive sexual predator would think twice before trying something.